


Health Class

by SlothPioneer (Anime_Otaku_OAO)



Series: Drabbles 2021 [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Universe, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, health class
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:08:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29010300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anime_Otaku_OAO/pseuds/SlothPioneer
Summary: Ever wondered what health class is like with the 104?
Series: Drabbles 2021 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2144475
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Health Class

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one-shot but if you guys like it enough I might make a couple of other one-shots where they learn about other topics.
> 
> Enjoy :)

The new recruits of the Scout regiment sat down in groups of two facing a huge blackboard. 

Eren sat on the far left next to Armin, Historia followed Ymir to the back corner, and Reiner and Berthold took seats in the center of the room. Mikasa sat down in the front next to Sasha who was already halfway through another potato. It was always a mystery where she found the food. Jean searched for a seat near Mikasa and found the closest one diagonal to her behind Armin. Connie sat behind Eren.

‘Did you have to sit so close to me horse-face?’ Eren grimaced as he turned around. ‘Do you want to sit near Mikasa that bad??’ He joked.

Jean glared at him and looked in Mikasa’s direction to make sure she hadn’t heard. Unluckily for him, she was looking in their direction with an impassive but confused look on her face. Jean stood up, face flushed, and made his way to the seat behind Reiner.

Annie came in late and to avoid any unnecessary human interaction sat in the far right in the back.

‘Okay brats, I’ve been called in today, with the help of four eyes to educate you all in… health’ Levi looked and sounded disgusted. He didn’t want to be here let alone teach a couple of kids something even he didn’t even care to understand.

‘Okaaay’ Hange started ‘We will be separating these health classes by different topics, today we’ll learn about masturbation’ They were clearly excited to teach these classes, _too_ excited. Levi sighed

‘Oh god’ Levi muttered under his breath 

Hange took out chalk from their lab coat front pockets and began drawing on the board.

The crude drawing on the board was barely recognizable but it didn’t deter Hange’s excitement.

‘First off; Male masturbation’, suddenly the room grew silent. Armin began blushing, as did Connie and Jean. Reiner simply took out a notebook and readied his pencil for notes. 

‘Many of you boys may already know how it works but for those who don’t it’s when a guy tugs at their dick for pleasure’

‘Incredible Hange, what a _great way to describe it_ ’ Levi rolled his eyes. He scanned the room and noticed none of the boys were making eye contact. All except Reiner and Eren were looking down at their lap wishing they could dig their grave now and get it over with.

‘Well Mr grouch, how would _you_ explain it then?’ Hange smiled knowing he wouldn’t be able to get out of this one.

‘It’s a disgusting act where a guy pulls at his dick and motions up and down until they release. It shouldn’t be done without lube otherwise you guys will have to go on a _fun_ trip to Hange’s office to deal with the friction-related injuries’

‘Also, make sure to clean your dicks, that shit isn’t self-cleaning.’ Levi pointed out.

Sasha started laughing until she realized Levi was being dead serious. She continued silently munching on the pile of potatoes she had poorly hidden under the desk.

Hange gleamed and gestured to Levi.

‘Levi here will be demonstrating what we have just described.’

‘NO! _NO_ I WILL _NOT_ BE DOING THAT!’

‘Aww come on Levii’ Levi shot them one of his classic glares.

‘Any of you brats have questions? And by the way, there _is_ such thing as a dumb question.’

Connie raised his hand before speaking up. ‘Is it possible to masturbate too much?’ Silence filled the room. Levi crossed his arms exasperated. Ymir burst out laughing causing Connie to blush from embarrassment.

‘No, however, if I find a single dirty bedsheet, I _will_ make you clean everyone’s sheets for a month.’ 

‘Wouldn’t tugging it hurt?’ Ymir called out from the back. She leaned back on her chair and threw her hand behind Historia’s seat.

Hange took the liberty to answer: ‘Maybe the pain turns them on?’. They suddenly turned to Levi with stars in their eyes, the sign they were coming up with a new experiment idea. 

‘...’

‘Why are you even teaching this if you don’t know anything. You’re a scientist shouldn’t you at least know the basics…?’ Levi asked, frustrated. 

‘Titans don’t have genitals Levi’ She replied matter-of-factly ‘And even then, they might be shy but if you think I’m doing such a terrible job, maybe you should teach this call, _or maybe even demonstrate_ ’

‘Okay next: Female Masturbation’ Levi quickly changed the topic.

Hands shot up in the air and Eren blurted; ‘Girls can masturbate? Isn’t that just sex?’

‘Eren _shut up_ we can masturbate too’ Ymir leaned over her table and gave him the finger. 

‘How does that shit even work?’ Jean was genuinely confused.

‘I was just about to explain!’ Hange radiated from excitement as they replaced the supposed drawing of a dick with a drawing of a square and oval inside. ‘THIS is a vagina!’, they said pointing at their masterpiece.

‘I’m pretty sure that’s not accurate. Hange, how do you not even know the anatomy of your own fucking gender?’

‘How’d you know that’s my anatomy?’

‘If it's not what the hell do you have down there?’

‘Awww, I’ll let you check if you want’ they laughed. Levi reeled in disgust

‘No, I’m good’

‘Since you’re _so experienced_ in female anatomy why don’t _you_ teach it then?’

‘I have no experience, where would I even make the time. I just know that the square you drew can’t be accurate’

‘HUH? What about _Petra?_ ’

All eyes turned to Levi’s squad that was leaning against the back wall. Petra turned to pitch red and choked on air. ‘Wha─’

‘Hange, we don’t sleep together, she’s my subordinate’

Hange was unconvinced but continued her talk anyway.

‘So from reliable sources I have been told people use vegetables for pleasure’

‘Wait does this mean Sasha has been masturbating this whole time?’ Connie called out shocked. Sasha glared at him from across the room, contemplated whether to waste food to hit him, and reddened a bit.

‘She _does_ always seem extra happy when she has food...’ Eren contemplated

‘No dumbass, they use the vegetable as a replacement for dick’ Levi could not have rolled his eyes harder.

‘So girls use… vegetables...’ Sasha stopped chewing and looked at the potato ‘to masturbate…?’

‘Yes’

Suddenly Sasha rounded up all her vegetables and hugged them to stop any theft. ‘These are mine to eat, stay away.’ She was like a stray cat, hissing at those that even dared _look_ at the pile of food.

‘Sasha calms down, potatoes aren’t usually people’s first choice of vegetable.’

‘Okay, clearly none of you know how this works so I’ll explain’ Petra called from the back. She was still red from Hange’s early comment and the shade grew a little from everyone’s sudden attention but she still walked towards the front of the room. She took some chalk from the board and erased Hange’s _interesting_ diagram to redraw the diagram using ovals instead of squares.

‘Hey! how dare you, my beautiful drawing!’ Hange sulked. _They_ thought it was pretty accurate. Petra continued undisturbed.

‘Girls can masturbate in a lot of different ways through the clitoris or vagina using objects or fingers though most girls won’t get off with fingering. Luckily for us girls, we don’t need as much lube since we self-lubricate but honestly, Levi’s advice about friction still applies’ Petra looked around the room. The boys still seemed confused, Ymir had a smug smile on her face while Historia showed a look between embarrassment and determination, Sasha continued eating unfazed and Mikasa and Annie looked on with bored stares. Petra continued: ‘The clitoris is a small pea-sized ball in the fron─’ 

‘Girls have balls too?’ Connie interrupted, shocked. 

‘Connie shut the fuck up’ Levi glared at him from the front corner of the room.

‘Sorry, sir!’ Connie saluted and sat, staring a hole into the floor.

‘As I was saying, it is found further upfront and is the most sensitive area for girls.’ Petra ‘Okay does anyone have any final questions?’

‘What is lube?’ Reiner asked seriously.

‘It’s like grease that makes things slippery. Ask Levi where to find it’ Petra replied, looking for others that had questions. Reiner took his pencil and noted the information down on paper’

‘What, why me?’ Levi groaned 

‘Wouldn’t sex just be easier than masturbation?’ Jean asked from the back

‘You’d need someone to willing fuck you for that Horseface’ Eren laughed

‘Stop calling me a horse! And anyway, I’m more likely to find someone than you, at least the size of my dick matches my nickname, _Titan_ ’ Jean sneered back at him

Eren stood up ready to fight before Levi interrupted them to end the class.

‘We’ll continue this lesson next week. Now _please_ leave, your presence is giving me a headache.’ Levi rubbed at his temples as the students filed out of the classroom quickly.


End file.
